chapter one.

By Bree

It was late into the evening, early in the morning and I was situated on warm concrete on a curb. My slumped back was to a coffee shop that I went to sometimes. The street was filled with antique and thrift shops practically on top of each other. It was deserted and dark. I was miles and miles from home. A red glow from the “open” sign behind me helped me see. My fingers were brushing slowly across the strings of a guitar I had bought when we moved here. It was old and used but played well. It was the only thing I had that felt like it was mine. I had been teaching myself to play for ages now. It was comforting. I liked how it was different from the piano. I could take it anywhere and I loved how my fingers sounded when they plucked the strings. Slowly, a tune came from the mixture of chords and rhythms I was playing. I listened to myself play, fixing a few things here and there. This song I had been working on for a week was just now coming together. It wasn’t too complicated but it was sounding really good though sad.

I stopped strumming and let my palm rest on the strings.

I knew the band, my brothers, would never get to play this song. The fans had screwed it all up. They ruined us. Or rather, me.

My hand grasped the neck of the guitar as I set it on the concrete behind me. A pain was beginning to grasp and clutch at my chest, my lungs. I just couldn’t play anymore right now. My dirty, beat up black Chuck Taylor’s scraped at the concrete. I stared at my heavily torn, faded dark denim jeans.

I looked up as I heard echoing footsteps. A small, dark figure across the street was walking in my direction.

I looked away, my fingers quickly smearing the black eye shadow with wet tears.

“Mind if I sit?” A slightly accented voice said from beside me.

I shrugged as I looked over at an oriental girl. She had the darkest black hair I had ever seen cut to her ears. She smiled slightly at me, and I saw a flash of brown in her eyes. I wouldn’t say she was exactly pretty. But she was okay. “Weird place to hang out.” She leaned over and said.

“Same to you.” I fought at the panic in my chest.“I should probably go home.” I reached for the guitar as she reached for my arm.

“Why?” I looked back at her and her eyes.

I felt stupid and weak and embarrassed. I knew what I looked like, some twenty-year-old guy wearing make up and crying his face off. I must have looked like a fucking fag.

“What were you playing?” She asked, ignoring the tears. “It’s not very good.” I watched her as my mind wandered. Was she another groupie? Had she been following me here? What did she want from me?

“I bet it’s beautiful.” She smiled at me.

The girl touched my cheek, “Are you okay?”

It was in that touch that I realized I couldn't be alone tonight. I wanted her fingers to take away the grip in my chest.

“Are you sure?” Her eyes were looking into mine. I immediately looked down at her brown corduroys.

“Yeah.”

I didn’t want to be alone anymore.

She held her hand in front of me and said, “Take this.” A small white pill was in her palm. My nose burned at the smell of some sort of cleaning agent.

“I don’t…” “C’mon, it’ll make you feel better. It won’t hurt you.” She put it into my fingers, as I looked back at her.

“What is it?” “Do you care?” She asked like she was sure she knew me. I just didn’t want to feel it anymore. I didn't want to be so scared all the time. I took it from her and she smiled.

--

I woke up, rain pouring on my face. My back ached as I sat up from the concrete. I felt like shit. Blinking to the grey light around me I realized it was morning. Running my hand through my hair I looked around and there she was sleeping next to me with her small breasts naked in the morning light, tiny pink underwear clinging to her thighs. I stared. What was her name?

She blinked, waking up to the rain. She sat up when she saw me looking at her, grabbing her clothing and clutching it close to her body.

I quickly looked away and pulled at my torn jeans.

“What time is it?” She muttered.

I lifted my arm, “Seven.” I didn’t move my eyes from my watch.

I could feel her stand and heard her putting on her clothes.

“I have to get out of here.” She said, her voice sounding steadier and stronger than last night. “See you around.”

I watched the rain run down the street.

The morning light mixed with the rain made my body feel heavy and after a few minutes of my eyes blurring into the grey that surrounded me, I decided I needed to go. Picking up my guitar that was safely nestled in its case, I began to walk. My feet automatically took me to the nearest green building. It was small and close to the house. Hello, Starbucks.

As I walked through the doors and to the counter, a girl with sun streaked blonde hair greeted me from behind the cash register.

I ordered a regular black coffee, my voice soft. Her eyes were blue and alive, her cheekbones high and beautiful. She was gorgeous.

My drink was made quickly and I sat at a small table in the back. The tiny, square building only had a few people inside. They were mostly sitting by themselves with laptops. I lifted the white cardboard to my lips, allowing the warm liquid down my throat. It was bitter and strong.

My eyes closed when they caught the cashier watching me. It made me skittish and I tried to block her out, but instead I found myself peering over my shoulder to make sure no one else was looking at me as well. I shook my head softly, opening my eyes and staring at the white lid between my fingers. I tried to think of how long she had been a fan and why she even liked us in the first place.

Our music was poppy and annoying. We were three stupid blonde kids from Oklahoma and no one cared except for little girls who dragged their parents to shows. They were Zac’s age and more annoying than he could ever be. Isaac must have hated it even more, he being twenty when we first started out. Two years in this business and I was already bitter and tired of this fame.

“Taylor?” A voice said from beside me. I jumped and gripped at the sides of my chair.

That was when I felt a hand on my shoulder, “Look at me.” It was the girl from the register.

“I… do I know you?”

“Oh, I’m Melissa.” She suddenly looked shy. “You’re Taylor Hanson, right?”

I nodded and took a drink of the coffee, looking away. My heart was pounding.

“Are you okay?” “Of course I am.” I watched the window now, trying to avoid a conversation.

“Okay, well…” She sounded embarrassed, “I just wanted to say hi.” I listened to her walk away. Waiting just a few seconds before I turned to check her out. The way those dark denim jeans clung to her body made me want to feel her naked hips and thighs against me. I wanted to press myself into her, feel myself inside of her. I wanted to take her and ruin every image she ever had of us.

--

I sat at the dinner table watching my plate. The rest of the family was as loud as ever. Mackenzie, my 8-year-old brother was blabbering about school. Zoe was begging for cookies while Zac tried to make her eat her dinner. Jessica, begin the typical 14-year-old girl was obnoxiously talking with Avery about boys. Isaac and my parents were listening to Mackenzie's spiel about his teachers. I kept looking over my shoulder before taking bites of chicken. I heard something, a knocking sound, and jumped up to look out the dining room window. When I saw no one I sat back down. I had done this three times before my mother said,

“There's no one there, Taylor. Just eat your dinner.”

But I could swear there was someone and I had to keep looking over my shoulder.

“Have you guys thought about your new songs?” My dad asked the air.

I tensed.

“What new songs?” I asked, looking at him.

“There are no new songs.” Isaac said.

“When will there be?”

“Why?” I looked at my father.

“I just figured you'd had three months to work things out. You'd probably started writing again.”

“Maybe you can write some.” I said under my breath, “then you could stop living off our money.”

“What?” My dad's voice raised, “What did you say?”

“What are you talking about, Taylor? You know we would never.” My mother began her back up.

“Oh, so where's your job then?” I sneered before jumping up again to look out the window.

“No one is out there!” Zac yelled.

“You know I quit my job so we could support you and continue to be together when you toured.” Dad only ever argued the same thing.

“Where is the money then?” I turned around.

“Are you serious?” Isaac stared like I was crazy.

“Check your account. I'd never take your money.”

“Sit down.” My mother said and I got back into my seat. The table was quiet for awhile after the argument but Zoe broke it asking for ice cream. Zac took the five-year-olds hand and lead her to the kitchen.

“We're meeting with Chris tomorrow. We're going to see what he thinks.” Issac looked at my dad, like that was an answer.

“We are?” I hadn't even heard about our music since the court case.

“Zac set it up. I guess he didn't tell you.”

I shoved my chair back and went to the kitchen. Zac and Zoe were eating chocolate Popsicles, leaning against the counter.

“You're going to meet with our manager without even telling me? “

He came over to me, “We were just going to talk to him, see what he thought of us getting back out there.”

“And I'm not part of this?”

“It wasn't against you, Tay. I just didn't think you could handle it. I was going to tell you what he said.”

“Thanks for asking me.”

He started to reply but I went back to the table to finish my dinner.

“Yeah, the show is in two weeks. Mack is so excited, Aren't you mack?” My mom was talking now.

“Yes!!”

“Can you take him?” She turned to me.

“What? Where?”

“Britney spears!” Mackenzie practically screamed at me.

I stared at my mother. “Seriously?”

When she didn't respond I said, “You're letting him go to that?” I swear, he was going to grow up to be a fag unless someone helped him with his taste.

“It's just a concert.”

“So can you?” My father now.

“I guess.” “Are you really letting him?” Isaac said, “Do you know how many people are going to be there?”

“Didn't you say you had a date that night?” Mom looked at him.

“Yeah, but, Zac... or Dad.”

“Everyone but Tay has something that night, Ike.” My mom responded.

“Do you even care about Mackenzie at all?” Isaac looked at me.

“Why, does he not like Britney Spears?” Mackie blurted.

“That is enough, Isaac.” My father said as my mother told Mackie to go get an ice cream.

“But seriously!” Isaac stood up. “Whatever, you guys can deal with the consequences.” He took his plate and walked to the kitchen.

Well, I'd have to wear earplugs but at least I could spend time with the only brother who didn't think of me as a psychopath.

“You can handle it can't you Taylor?” My father turned towards me.

“It's just a concert. I'll wear a hat or something so no one recognizes me.” I grabbed my plate and went to the now empty kitchen to put it into the sink.

I wondered if that girl had something to calm me down for this, because truthfully I didn't think I could handle it. My medication never helped me out.

I went to my room that Isaac, Zac and I shared. It was cramped with clothes thrown everywhere. Three beds, three closets, a desk and a computer were shoved together into a tiny space. The room was constantly trashed because no one cared enough to clean it up. My logic behind this was the room was too small anyway and so it was easier to find anything on the floor rather than in the closet.

“Just don't fuck up again, Taylor.” Isaac stared at me as I reached for my nightstand to grab my wallet. I looked at him, he was laying on his bed reading a book but had put it down to talk.

“Screw off, Ike.” I opened my wallet to see how much money I had. Two fives and a twenty, good enough I guess.

“So, what, three months and your better then? Do you even take your medication?”

“Not that it's any of your business, but yes I do.” I shoved the wallet into my pocket and grabbed a grey corduroy jacket.

“Not like you acted normal at dinner, what the fuck like there is someone outside the house. What the hell are you going to do in a crowd of people? What if they recognize you?”

I looked at him before leaving the room and said, “If you care so fucking much then you take him.”

I carried my guitar to the place where I last saw her a week ago. She was sitting on the curb with a notepad in hand. Her hair was falling over her eyes and she didn't notice me come up.

“Hey.” I said before sitting next to her.

“Oh!” She smiled, “I hoped you would come back.”

“So how have you been?” We both said at the same time and she laughed. “You go ahead.” She gestured, “How have you been?”

“Fine, I guess. Um,” I looked around for a second, “Just, you know family and whatever.”

“Yeah, my dad said he was coming to town for something and was gonna see me. Big surprise that he didn't.”

“Man, I'm sorry.”

She shrugged, “It's not a big thing. Oh, and I got a raise. Excellent.”

“Where do you work?”

“I'm a cook at a restaurant down the street. That's where your big degree gets you.”

“I'm Taylor by the way.” I stuck out my hand and she grabbed it and introduced herself as Alyson.

“So did you bring that guitar to serenade me?”

I laughed, “I don't know.” I looked behind me as I heard a noise and she turned as well.

“What?”

“Did you see someone?”

“I hope not. We'll probably get arrested for loitering or some shit.”

I laughed and pulled out my guitar, “Hey, um, before I do this, I was wondering...”

I paused and pulled out my wallet, “I need something to calm me the fuck down. What will this get me?”

“Well, it's not the stuff you took last time.”

“Yeah, I figured that.”

“And it's not gonna be the easy stuff either.”

“Will it calm me down?”

She nodded.

“Then I want it.”

She took my money and shoved it into her pocket. She grabbed her bag and pulled out all these things I had no idea what was for. She started lighting something in a spoon and I grabbed her wrist,

“Wait, I need it for later.”

“Don't worry. If you like it I'll give you more.” She finished and handed it over to me I held it and stared, feeling really stupid.

“Here, I'll show you.” She made herself one and shot herself up. I followed suit. A few minutes later I was vomiting on the sidewalk. When I could catch my breath I wiped my hand across my lips and said, “What the hell. This just makes me feel like shit.”

“Did you really expect to do this and not be sick for the first time? Just wait a minute.”

She rubbed my back as I looked back and forth down the street. It took a few minutes but I slowly started to feel more relaxed, everything was getting slower, the street lights brighter, everything was sharper. I turned to her.

“Yeah. There we go.” She smiled at me and I kissed her.

--

After that night we spent every free moment snorting, fucking, and talking. Her parents were some billionaires or something because she always had a huge stash of drugs. We were sitting on the couch. The TV was playing some movie I didn't recognize and the place was badly lit and smelled of floral candles.

She was busy lighting the powder as I looked around the room.

“What do your parents do again? Or, I mean, do you rob banks or something?”

She handed me the straw and a baggy and I took it before giving it back.

“Banks. Yeah. Thats my thing.” She laughed and lit another for herself. “My parents are fucking royalty.”

“Oh fuck off, how do you can you afford all of this shit?”

“What? Now you're complaining? That hit costs forty dollars. Cough it up.”

“What about sexual favours instead?”

“Yeah, that's what my parents do.”

“No, come on, seriously.”

“My dad does this oil thing and my mom's a whore so, you know, it works out for me. She leaves us and so now daddy gives me enough money to be rid of me.” I rubbed my eyes and my nose, “What? What!? I don't know what the hell you're talking about.”

She laughed and put down the utensils after taking her hit. “My dad can't stand me, says I remind him of my mom. So he gives me enough cash so he doesn't have to see me.”

“Man, that sucks.” If I wasn't so high I probably would have felt bad for asking so many questions.

She was quiet as she put away everything in the drawer and so I said, “Want your payment yet?”

She smiled at me and I kissed her. I kissed her hard and pulled her so that she was sitting on top of me. Her hands were in my hair. I began pulling at her jeans, pushing her towards the back of the couch. All I could think about was how I wanted her right then. She took her hands from my hair and wrenched my shorts from my hips.

We fucked until we were drenched in sweat and could barely breathe. She was laughing as she put her head into my neck. I pulled her close with my arm around her. We lay half naked on the couch, smiling and kissing, high as a kite.

--

“Taylor? Where the hell are you?”

“Huh?” I pulled the phone from between the cushions, trying to figure out how the hell it had answered on its own.

“Mackenzie has been waiting for you all night.” My mother. I groaned and pulled myself up.

I pulled up my pants and said, “What is he waiting for?”

“You promised you'd take him to the concert! Taylor, you promised. Where are you?”

“Oh shit, fuck, I'm sorry. I'll be there in a second.”

“It's too late now. I can't believe you did this to him. He's so upset.”

I put my hand on my forehead. “I'll bring him ice cream or something. I'll take him to the next concert.”

“It won't make up for it. He's been asking for you all day. Did you even go to your counselor today?”

“God dammit.” I stared at the wall.

“Why are you doing this? You know what the judge said, you can't miss your appointments.”

“I've seen her enough to be done with that stupid judge's sentence. Mom, come on.”

Alyson had woken up and was grabbing at my hand, I pulled it away, getting angry. “It's just you guys now. You're the one's making me to go.”

“What and you think you're better do you? You think you should stop?”

“Look, I said I'd reschedule. I have to go.”

“First you disappoint your little brother, and then you don't go to your counselor and now you think you're fine. Do you really think you're better? I don't think the old Taylor would do any of these things. Do you?”

“I don't fucking know what the old Taylor would do. Go ask Isaac.”

“And how would Isaac know?”

“This isn't going anywhere. I have to go.” I hung up and stared at the phone.

“What was that all about?” She was pulling on her shirt.

“Nothing. I forgot to do some shit. My mom's being a bitch. The usual.”

“What's this judge business? You a serial killer or something?”

I stood up, “Cut it out, okay?” I shoved the phone in my pocket and grabbed my keys.

“Taylor, wait. You know I'm just being silly. Come here, I'll get you started.”

“Fuck that judge. This is bullshit.” I threw my keys against the wall and stared at them. “God, how fucking old do they think I am.”

“Here baby,” She grabbed my hand and pulled me next to her. “Here.” She had a rig ready and tied my arm for me. “Just calm down, all right?”

I watched her hands, “I need to go, Aly. I need to go.” She didn't listen and instead got me off. She put the empty syringe on the table and rubbed my neck. “God, I can't believe I missed that concert.”

“What concert?”

I shook my head. “I have to go. I have to go, Alyson.”

“What happened, what is all this about?”

“Seriously, I don't think it's good I'm here like this.” I pulled myself off the couch and went to pick up my keys.

Before she could come after me I was in my black GTI and pulling away. The tinted windows made me calmer. No one could recognize me in here. My heart was beating like crazy in that apartment. I clenched at the steering wheel until I made it to the place. My fingers grasped the metal as I swung the door open. With quick steps I went to the counter. She smiled up at me with a surprised grin.

"Hello, Taylor."

"Hi." I eyed her face, her breasts. I was so desperate my breathing was getting shallow already.

"Do you have break soon?" I put my hands on the counter top.

Melissa, the starbucks girl, looked at me for a few seconds. I watched and hoped she got my drift. She bit her lip, "Well, uh, not until six."

An hour. I couldn't wait an hour. I needed her to help me now. I grabbed her hand, trying not to grasp it too tightly. "What about now?"

"I guess maybe..." She didn't get to finish because I cut her off,

"Okay, sounds good." I watched her move around the counter, grabbed her hand and led her towards the back of the Starbucks.

"Where are we going?" She looked confused, still not understanding what was happening. But when I opened the door to the girls bathroom and pushed her inside she became afraid.

"What are you doing?"

"Please, please, Melissa." I begged and pleaded with her but I didn't move.

"If you don't want to we don't have to." I swallowed, the words were so hard to get from my mouth.

She watched me skeptically for a couple seconds then gingerly moved forward. I waited impatiently, my heart beating fast, and my fingers aching to touch her. In moments that felt like hours she had her fingers entangled in mine. It was then that I began kissing her. I kissed her hard, my hands at the back of her neck. We stumbled onto the wall, her fingers grasping at my back, our tongues pushing against each other. I pressed her wrists so hard into the wall that they were turning white. She began unbuttoning my jeans and I violently dug into her back and neck. She began pulling off her underwear as I bit at her neck.

Breathless, she said, "Do you have a condom?"

"No." I breathed before pulling her towards me, she put her hand on my chest to stop me.

“Come on, I'm Taylor fucking Hanson. How many times are you going to get this?” I pushed her hand away and she pulled me into her. I wanted to hold her down. I wanted to claw at her skin. I wanted to make her hate me.

I dug my fingernails into her wrists as I finished. As she leaned against the wall panting I pulled my clothes back on.

Before she could regain her composure I was already getting into my car and driving away. I drove back to my house. When I got there I sat in the car for awhile. This was the only place I ever felt safe. No one could get in, no one recognized me, I could get away if I wanted to, it was perfect. I took in a breath and looked over the peaceful house. I watched the house for a few more minutes and then turned off the car and began searching for my medication.

Someone banged on my window and instantly I shoved the door open as hard as I could with my switchblade already out of my pocket.

Isaac was laughing and grabbing his stomach, “Ow, fuck man.”

“What the fuck you fucking asshole what the hell are you doing?” My body was shaking, the knife clenched in my fingers.

“What the hell, is that a knife?”

“What the fuck were you thinking? What the fuck, Isaac? What the fuck?” I couldn't even breathe.

“Calm down, it was just a joke.”

I closed the knife and put my hand against the car to keep myself steady. I felt like I was having a panic attack.

“Take your pills and chill the hell out.”

I punched him in the face so hard and so quickly that he fell over from surprise. “Don't you ever do that.” I growled down at him before going inside. I took three of the normal dose of my Prolixin to calm me down and went upstairs. When I got to my room I locked the door and collapsed on the bed. Before I could calm down I had to get up again and check under the beds and out the window and in the closets. When nothing was found I went back to my bed to lay down.

“Get out here. I know you're in there.” Isaac was banging on the door.

“Go away.” I threw a pillow at the door.

“Next time you come out of there I'm fucking killing you. Do you hear me?”

“Fuck off!” I yelled as loud as I could.

“God damn it I hope we never play with you again cause you're fucking insane.” I heard him thud down the hall, I rolled over and pulled the pillow over my head to get some sleep.

It was more banging that woke me up. I had ignored it for the first couple times but it was so insistent that I couldn't anymore.

“Go away, Ike.”

“Open up already. This is my room, too.” It was Zac.

I got out of bed and unlocked the door before going back. He went to his bed to rummage in the clothes lying there.

“Where were you when we saw Chris?”

“What? When was that?” I sat up and looked at him.

“Ages ago, maybe if you were home sometimes you could figure that out.”

“I didn't know I was invited.”

“Oh, come on, if you really wanted to be there you'd have been there.”

“What did he say?”

“It doesn't really matter since Isaac is about ready to murder you. What did you do to him?” He was smelling a shirt and then changed into it.

“Nothing that he didn't deserve.”

“I'm sure. He was bleeding like crazy last night. Mom almost had a heart attack.”

I shrugged and said, “So, Chris said what?”

Zac sighed and sat down for a minute, “He said it's pretty much up to us. We're going to have to lure the fans back sometime and he said it's going to be hard no matter when we do it.”

“And?”

“What do you mean and?”

“I'm sure he had a lot to say about me. So what was it?”

He stared at his comforter. “Just, you know, asked how you were.”

“What does he say about me and the band, Zac?”

He stood up now and began walking to the door, “Maybe you should have been there if you wanted to know.”

“You said you would tell me, now tell me!”

He wouldn't turn around when he said, “He thinks it would be better without you. And if you were to be in the band again then you'd have to go on all these shows and apologize.”

“Apologize? Are you kidding?”

“I knew you couldn't do it.” He practically whispered before leaving the room.

--

We had spent the day at the park. The sun was bright and the grass was so green that I was fascinated with each. The junk we took before leaving had made the entire day go by smoothly. Everything was interesting and new.

I pulled at my hood and leaned on her shoulder. “Let's just stay here, all right?”

“I think you'll get cataracts if we stay here.” She laughed. I had been staring back and forth from the sun to the grass for god knows how long.

“But I'm glad we did this. Even if I make terrible sandwiches.”

“Yeah, you do.” I laughed. “But it was really good to get out of the house.”

“What is it that you hate so much there?”

I shrugged, “It's just so... intense, all the time. Everything is so thick and cloudy.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I mean.” I paused, trying to get my thoughts together, “You know, just tense all the time and its hard to think or breath around that.”

She nodded.

“That's why I'm glad I found you.” I smiled at her and was about to kiss her when a whispering sound behind me had me looking for the source. All there was were grass and trees. I pulled my hood tighter around me.

“I think someone followed us.” I whispered to her.

She looked around and then back at me, “Really?”

“I keep hearing them. They're after us.”

She laughed, “And why would they be after us?”

I stared at her, bothered that she was laughing. Someone was following us and she thought it was a joke.

“Well, you should sing to me.”

“How is that going to help?” I pulled myself from her shoulder.

“I don't know, it might.” She smiled again and put her hand on my cheek.

I looked around again and then at her.

"Too bad you didn't bring your guitar, then you could serenade me." She paused. "You're really good you know."

I watched my hands. Maybe it was her who I was afraid of. Had she always known who I was? This was her trick to get close to me?

"Did you always play?"

I stared at the grass behind her now. Was she trying to get me to say it? "I used to play piano a long time ago." Three months, but it felt like longer.

I felt her warm fingers on mine and my eyes went to them, "Why did you stop?"

Quickly, I pulled my hand out from under hers. Why was she doing this? "What are you trying to get at?" I asked, sharper than I meant to.

"I'm just asking, Taylor." Her voice was suddenly dry and flat.

"Do you want to ask me? Just ask straight out. Don't try and trick me." I picked at the carpet. I was frustrated at this stupid game. If she was going to do something about this then fucking do it and get it over with.

"I'm just trying to figure you out. I want to know who you are. You never tell me anything."

The panic was rising and I wished that she would stop. That I just went on believing she didn't know who I was.

"Why do you always do this? Can't we just talk?" I could feel her watching me.

"What do you want to talk about? What do you want to ask?" I was angry now. I was angry at her for tricking me just to get this far. Now that she was close to me she was sure to do something terrible.

"Am I just sex to you?" She breathed out in a quick breath.

All of my former thoughts stopped. Where was this question coming from? This was what she was getting at? I stared at her. She was watching her knees, her dark hair falling around her face.

I held her face in my palm and pulled it up, "Of course not, Alyson. Of course you're not." All the anger rushed out as quickly as it came. The second the words came out, they were true. I knew she was more to me than sex or drugs. She was so much more.

We went back to her place and watched movies until the early morning when she left for work. She kissed my forehead before she left. Her bed felt like clouds, everything was so soft and warm. The room seemed to glow with all the white from the sheets.

When I woke up it was to the smell of food. Groggily, I pulled myself out of the bed and into the living room. Through the window, the sun was going down.

“He awakes!” I heard her say and I went up to her. “What are you making?”

“Food, of course. What else?.” She said while scrambling eggs. Looking over at me she said, “You gonna change? Or just wear that until you decide to go home?”

I shrugged, “You think you have a pretty dress I can wear?”

“I don't think I have anything big enough for your boobs. But I’ve got some of my little brothers clothes he left here awhile ago. They’re in my room.” She smiled.

“Ah, thanks.” I passed her, and went to the drawer. My head was hurting, I rummaged around until I found some ecstasy and took a few.

I then went to her room and found the jeans and a black t-shirt on the chair next to her bed. I changed into them and brought the dirty clothes to Aly.

"What should I do with these?"

"You can just put them in the hamper." She said without looking at me.

I threw them down and came over to her, my hands around her waist, kissing her neck. The ecstasy had kicked in and all I wanted to do was feel her close to me. She turned to put her lips on mine. My fingers were in her hair, pulling her closer. I was kissing her so hard I knew she would pull away and a few kisses later, she did.

"Did you take something?" She was breathless.

"Maybe." I smirked at her, taking my hand from her neck tracing down to her chest. My hand feeling her breast. "Forget breakfast." I smiled mischievously. I felt wonderful and I wanted her to feel it with me.

"But Taylor." She looked over at the stove. I began kissing and licking at her ear, trying to distract her. Trying to make her focus only on me.

"Come on." I whispered. She turned off the stove while turning towards me. I grabbed her around her waist and lured her into the bedroom. She crawled onto the bed while still facing me and I crawled over her.

"Hey there." I whispered towards her face as I leaned in to kiss it. I took off her shirt slowly, my hands holding her breasts. She had her hands on my neck. I kept kissing her and soon our clothes were scattered around us.

I ran my fingers down her flat stomach, feeling the warmth of her smooth skin as she ran her hands across my hips. We were breathing hard before I even was inside of her. This was the first time that we ever did this slow. I could feel every inch of her soft body and it was wonderful. She was all I could think about.

She was running her hands down my sides and I kept kissing her breasts and stomach. She pulled my face close to hers and kissed my eyes, my lips.

And then we were inside each other. She was staring up at me and all I could do was watch her. Slowly, she moved her arms from my back to my neck. Her hands pulled me towards her lips,

"I love you." Her voice was soft.

I stared at her eyes, her face.

When we were through I laid next to her as she lay on my shoulder. Why? I blinked up at the ceiling, trying to focus on anything. I swallowed down a lump rapidly building in my throat. She couldn't help me feel anything and now she said she loves me. I breathed in a ragged breath and took my arm from underneath her.

I stood up, swiftly picking up and putting on my clothes again.

"What's wrong?" She sat up now watching me.

"Nothing. I'm just supposed to go with my family to this thing, and I forgot. Now I'm late." I lied without even thinking of what I said. "I really have to go." I went to the living room and grabbed my back pack.

Pulling my arms through the bag, I went to the door and started to open it. Alyson's hand touched my arm and made me stop.

"Take this." She handed me a syringe filled with brown powder.

"But..." I felt so miserable I never wanted to take anything from her again.

"You might need it after having to deal with them." My hand clasped around hers and took the needle from her.

She was still naked.

"Thank you."

Why was I such an idiot? How could I do this to her? I squeezed the steering wheel between my fingers, gasps were tearing painfully at my lungs before I could turn on the car.

But I did turn on the car and pulled onto the street in hopes that my blurred vision would cause me a fatal accident before I arrived at home.

--

When I woke up, the room looked blurry and tilted. Everything was so narrow and I felt confined, like I couldn't breath. Sitting up, I blinked a few times, trying to clear my vision. I pressed my fingers against the white wall, peering up at the ceiling. Where was I?

"Taylor?"

My focus tried to find the source of the voice but nothing was working right. The room kept moving and I felt like puking.

"What are you doing in here?" My dad knelt down in front of me.

My hand stayed on the wall, trying to steady my dizzy body. Even though I was sitting I felt like I was about to fall over.

"What's wrong with you?" He stared hard at me and I opened my mouth to say something but I couldn't even figure out how I got home or where I was.

"Taylor, look at me."

I tried to see the carpet on the ground or the painted walls but my eyes were not cooperating. Everything was a blurry mess.

"Are you drunk?" His fingers were around my shoulders now, gripping tight. "Answer me." He was getting angry. His hands began to shake me violently as he loudly said, "Taylor!"

Now my hands were shoving him away.

He pushed my chest into the wall and slapped me hard. "Snap out of it!"

"Get away from me!" My voice yelled before I realized it. He was scaring me and the room felt like it was going to swallow me any minute. He was shaking me again to the point I really thought I was going to vomit on him.

"Get the fuck off me!" I yelled into his face as I blindly tried to hit him with my fists. I felt a few connect with something until his fist connected with my nose and light shot through my eyes.

I moaned, my back falling against the wall to rest, my hands cupping around my bleeding nose. The hallway came into focus now that my head pounded. He knew how to stop my flight for sure.

My head went to my knees as I moved my hands. Everything please just fucking stop. STOP.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Taylor?" He was still talking to me. "What the fuck is this?" He was filled with so much anger I could hear his voice seething with every word.

"Look at me."

I pressed my face harder into my knees hoping that if I just sat here long enough he would go away.

His fingers were ripping my hair, pulling my head upwards, forcing me to look at him. "This is not how you are going to be." His voice was a growl.

"This is not how my son acts. This is not him." His eyes were on mine but all I could pay attention to was the warm blood dripping from my chin.

"Listen to me." A new pain spread through my skull as he pulled my hair backwards so my head hit the wall. "You will not fuck up again."

And then he was gone.

I continued to stare at the wall opposite me until I just let my exhausted body lay on the floor. When I regained my strength, I let myself sit back up. I used the wall as support to stand. My backpack was still clutching to my shoulders. Somehow I must have gotten home and passed out in the hallway last night. Clumsily my feet led me toward anywhere. It must be that I was downstairs my brain just couldn't place where. When I came into the living room, I almost tripped over Mackenzie, my blonde-haired blue-eyed little brother. He was running past me screaming his head off. I took two steps back, almost falling into the nearest wall. My mother came chasing behind my eight-year-old brother but stopped when she saw me steadying myself.

She gasped, "Taylor!"

I stared hard at the floor, my breath pushing itself into a painful place in my chest.

"Oh, sweetie, you're home." She came towards me to hug me but I began to feel really awkward. I sidestepped her and tried to continue on my way to anywhere.

"Honey? Are you all right?"

I turned towards her, "Don't worry, mom." I saw her face change when she saw the blood. She rushed towards me, grabbing my arm and pulling me to the nearest chair - the kitchen table.

"Are you okay? What happened?" All I could think of was that I knew I was supposed to be going somewhere. I was on my way somewhere, right?

"Nothing." I mumbled to the floor as she quickly wet a wash cloth and knelt in front of me.

She dabbed at the caked blood and I tried my hardest not to wince each time she touched my face. When it was all finished she sat next to me.

"Taylor, what happened?" She looked terribly serious and I just couldn't figure out why.

"I just got into a fight. I'm okay, really." I hated the way she looked so distressed.

"A fight? But with who? Was it one of your friends?"

"Some guys were calling me names. It was stupid. It's over now." I stared at the wall. My throat was filling with air that was hard to swallow.

"Taylor?"

I ignored her as I went up the stairs to the cramped room. Isaac and Zac were inside playing some board game. They looked up when I came in. They began talking to me immediately but I ignored every word. Somehow it was easy to just block them out.

I crawled into my bed, pulling the covers over every part of me. All I could think about was Alyson. It barely registered that anything else had happened. All I knew was how horrible I was to this girl in my life. She was the only one I cared for and I the one I'd end up hurting the most. I didn't love her but what was it that I felt for her? Anything?

Did I ever feel anything?

I stared at the dark beneath my sheets. The voices in the room had become a buzzing sound. My fingers played against the sheets.

Maybe she had made me numb.

--

Waking up to my own house was confusing. I was disoriented by the amount of beds and the messy room. I blinked a few times, allowing myself to take in my surroundings and when I finally grasped where I was, I crawled out of bed. My face throbbed; dad must have punched me harder than I thought last night. My fingers felt their way onto my nose and I winced. What had happened to make him punch me? All I could remember was that he did. I stood staring at the door. Why couldn't I remember? My mind felt foggy and it made me move slowly. I went around the room slow and tired, picking out clothes and changing into them. My mind felt so heavy that for a few moments I watched the floor just debating on lying down and sleeping. But I figured it wouldn’t help anyway, maybe if I walked along the beach for awhile it would clear my head. As I grabbed my backpack I remembered the contents it held. They would fix everything. Pulling out the bottle I held a tablet of x then went in search for some water.

The kitchen was my next destination as I filled a glass of water and opened my hand.

"Headache, huh?"

I turned around; panic making my heart beat fast at the thought of getting caught.

My dad was standing in front of me.

"Oh... yeah." I mumbled, hiding my face behind the glass, quickly swallowing.

"Taylor, I wanted to talk to you about last night."

"That's okay." I said swiftly, trying to get past him.

His hand was on my shoulder now, stopping me. "I'm sorry for hitting you. I know I shouldn't have. I just didn't know what else to do at that point."

I shrugged his hand away. I wanted to know why he hit me but I didn't feel like talking to him. So I made my way towards the kitchen door.

"Please don't ignore me." His voice was pleading.

"It's not a big deal, dad." I said, my teeth starting to clench.

"I think it is." His voice was changing from pleading to demanding.

"Taylor, sit down for a minute."

I turned around, arms folded. "This is stupid. I don't want to talk about it."

"Why are you being so difficult? Just sit down for a few minutes." I watched as his brows knotted in frustration and anger.

"There's nothing to talk about." My tone was bored sounding but I was itching with anger.

His hand went to my shoulder to pull me towards the table. "Get the fuck off me!" I shoved him, pulling myself free. I was so angry that I felt my face getting hot.

He had regained composure in seconds, grabbing both my shoulders now and shoving me into a seat at the kitchen table. "I don't care what you want. This is important." His voice was a low growl.

My breathing was heavy and my head spun. The few movements had me dizzy and nauseous. My fingers clung to the table, trying somehow to steady myself. My focus was on the tabletop.

He sat down across from me. "I'm really sorry for hitting you, Taylor. I want you to know that." He had calmed his voice down but I could still hear the confusion and anger in the words.

Through my sudden sickness I still felt the anger that had built up in me so quickly. I didn't even remember why I was angry anymore I just knew it was directed at my father.

"Will you tell me what's going on with you?" He was still trying to calm his voice.

I felt so dizzy that my fingers seemed to be moving in front of me. I rubbed at my eyes causing my vision to become blurred.

"Nothing is going on, dad," I spat through clenched teeth.

"What happened to you last night?"

I looked at the floor now, the dizziness fading to be replaced by the blur in my eyes.

"Are you listening?" His question was riddled with frustration.

I looked up at him but got distracted a few seconds later by the tiles behind him. The blue designs seemed to be curling and changing shapes. It was so confusing that I couldn't stop staring at them.

"Taylor!" His voice was short and exasperated. "Look at me."

My blurry vision went to his face now.

“Are you seeing your counselor anymore? Is that what's going on? What does she say about you acting like this?”

“Are you taking your medication?”

“What the hell? Why does everyone ask me that? Yes! I am taking them!”

“Well, do you see an improvement? Because none of us do.”

“And that's what you do? Sit around and talk about me when I'm not here?”

“Yes, Isaac and Zac talk about you a lot. It wasn't just your career you ruined, you know. It was theirs too.”

I shoved the chair back and went to stare out the window.

“You should think about letting them do it on their own now.”

“Are you kidding?” I gripped the sinks ceramic in my hands. “It's not their band it's ours!”

“And you feel like you're better enough to go out in front of your fans again? You can't even sit still for long enough to talk to me without looking out that window.”

I turned towards him. I was prepared for a comeback response but no words came to mind.

“Maybe you should just talk to your therapist about it. If the medication isn't working then you can try something new.

I walked out of the room. I needed a hit. All of this was fucking with my brain. As I made my way up the stairs a flash of long blond hair caught my eye and I looked up just in time to see Avery, my 12-year-old sister, ram into me with a hug.

"Oh my gosh! Taylor! Everyone was saying you like ran away!"

She finally let me go and I tried to get around her up the stairs but she was standing on the step above me, blocking me.

"Nope. I'm right here."

"But everyone was saying you ran away."

"I just went to a friend's house; I didn't run away, Av." I pushed her to the side gently and moved past her.

I could hear her turn around, "What's wrong, Tay?"

I continued to ignore her and continued up the stairs, she was next to me again badgering me with questions,

“Taylorrrrr, what’s wronggg?” She drew out every letter increasing my annoyance with her.

“Avery, nothing is wrong. Go away.”

“You don’t have to be such a jerk, you know?” She glared at me before storming off.

Ignoring her, I continued to my room until Zac and Isaac came out of it. Quickly I ducked into the nearest open doorway which happened to be my sister's room. Hiding in the darkness I watched them.

"Did you call John back about the studio?" My older brother was talking to Zac as they walked from the room.

“Not yet. I thought we hadn't decided yet. Did we?” Zac was looking up at Isaac, they had stopped at the top of the stairs.

“I thought we had. Didn't you want to record those songs?” Isaac asked.

“I do but...”

“Come on, Zac, we can't wait around for him.”

“But how are we supposed to be a band without Taylor?”

Isaac looked frustrated at the mention of my name and he ran his hand through his hair. “What, because he's the one that all the girls want to fuck? Do you think that's why we sell records? He isn't the entire band, we have talent without him.”

“I know we do...”

“They're going to drop us. You know they are. We have to make this album with or without him.”

They were walking down the stairs now.

"Hey guys." I moved out of the shadows.

Slowly Zac formed a response, “Hey.”

My fingers grasped the door frame. They just stared at me. I tried to look anywhere but at their blank faces.

“You're going to record without me?” I tried not to sound desperate.

Zac's weight shifted form one leg to the next. They both looked uncomfortable.

“Look at you.” My younger brother sounded tired. “Can you play like that?”

"We're just leaving," Isaac interrupted any sort of communication as he grabbed Zac's arm.

I took a step forward on impulse. "Wait." The word just tumbled from my mouth without even thinking.

I was trembling.

"What, Taylor?" Isaac's look was impatient.

"I just…" I took another step forward.

"We don't have time for this." Isaac's words were sharp and instead of the words he said, all my mind heard was what he meant to say, "We don't have time for you."

My fists clenched as they both began down the stairs

In a moment I was shoving past them as fast as possible, running down the stairs. I slammed into the downstairs restroom, my breathing coming out in gasps. How could they do this? That's when I remembered the heroin Alyson had given me. I ripped through my jacket pockets looking for the precious powder. When my fingers had connected to the plastic, I pulled it out, my mood already beginning to wash over with relief.

"Thank you." I whispered to the object. Within seconds the smack was in my nose, the baggy hanging from my fingertips.

A knock on the door barely penetrated my hearing as I lay back to let the flight kick in.

"Taylor, open up."

This would calm me down. This would fix me.

"Listen, I'm sorr-" The door creaked open and my eyes shot open.

I caught him staring for only a brief second then he was on me, pulling me upwards. Quickly, I broke free and was shoving him backwards, trying to get him out the door.

"Get out! GET OUT!" I was yelling frantically, shoving with all my might.

"What the hell was that," Isaac said in a quick breath, his question a statement.

He was holding onto me and all I wanted to do was get him out of there.

"Get the fuck out of here!" I screamed so loud and so shrill my ears rang.

He kept fighting against me, not moving and so I punched him. I hit him as hard as I could. I was trembling and jerking back and forth and panicking to the highest degree. He just had to leave. He had to leave.

When he hit me back, I collapsed to the floor.

Out of his initial shock now, Isaac was fuming. He was on top of me in seconds, hitting me over and over again.

My head was exploding with pain, sharp booms resounding within my skull. I was coughing and sputtering before I realized I had to move. He wasn't stopping.

Swinging again, I connected to his jaw. This gave me enough time to jump up. He was standing already, screaming, throwing me against the wall. When my fist connected again, it was with his stomach.

When he doubled over, I shoved him back and out the door. Falling on top of him, I kept hitting until he broke free of the blows and was able to hit me back. He was up and violently shoving me, hitting me.

"Get off me!" I managed to choke out in ragged breaths. I tried to hit him but he blocked it and hit me instead. In seconds I had regained composure and hit him hard.

"STOP IT!" A shrill voice screamed behind us. My mother's hands were clenching my skin, grabbing and clawing, holding tight. She wrenched us apart.

Her red face and was all I could see. She was speaking, yelling, but everything was blurring and blending again.

In a second I had torn free from her grasp and was running for the door. I had almost made it to my car before I dropped to my knees and began violently throwing up. My hands grasped the metal of my car door to keep myself steady. I threw up until it hurt to breathe and I had to lie on the concrete to calm my aching muscles.

"Jordan Taylor, get up right now." I didn't even hear her come up behind me but there she was, growling out her demand. My mother.

"I said get up." She punctuated the last two words, making it certain I knew how extremely pissed off she was.

I knew I had to get out of there. I had to leave before she locked me up in the house.

It took so much willpower to make myself stand. I put the keys in the car and tried to get in but my mother grabbed the skin of my neck and held me with a painful grip.

"You are not going anywhere." Her voice was still a growl. "Get back in the house."

Clasping my hand around her wrist, I wrenched her from me. "Get your hand off me." I pushed her wrist from me and quickly got into the car. Before she could say anything else, I drove away.

The drive to Alyson's took forever. I drove so slow that I just knew a cop was going to pull me over for such a low speed. When I made it to her place I sat in the car for ages. My mind was whirling but I just felt numb. My thoughts couldn't put together the figures. I couldn't connect all that had just happened. So instead, everything just spun around in my mind until even the outside world began to tilt. I grasped the steering wheel and tried to steady this feeling.

I opened the car door and stumbled towards the house. After knocking I just stood there. The outside world seemed to close in around me and I just wanted her to open the door. I knocked three times and when it hit me that she wasn't home I just stared at the doorknob. She couldn't be gone. She had to be here.

Then there she was, opening the door groggily, rubbing sleep from her eyes. She didn’t say a word but I went inside anyway and collapsed the second I crossed the threshold. She was beside me the moment she closed the door. Her appearance was suddenly more awake and terribly worried.

She was touching my face, lifting my head to meet my eyes. I pulled away, leaning over so my face pressed into the carpet. What was happening? What was happening to me?

“Dear.” Her voice was a whisper. Her arms wrapped me in a hug. I pressed my face farther into the carpet’s roughness.

“Come on let’s go to the couch, okay?” Her voice was soothing and soft.

I grabbed a fistful of the floor and didn’t respond.

She gave in and just sat next to me rubbing my back.

“I need to stay here with you, okay?” I mumbled into the floor.

“What?”

I let myself sit up but I wouldn’t look at her. My attention focused on the door.

“Can I just be here?"

”Of course, honey.” She grabbed at my hands but I just pulled them out from under hers.

“Look at me?”

I just stared at the door, continually clenching at the carpet.

“Taylor.” Her voice demanded my attention and without thinking my eyes went to hers.

“What happened?”

I shook my head.

“What happened?” she repeated, refusing to let me out of it.

“They're all after me. All of them. I can't stay there anymore.” I watched my hands again.

“Sweetie, who is? Who hurt you like this?”

I smoothed my hand across the carpet. My mouth clamped shut. There was no use in telling her anything. She couldn’t fix it.

She placed her hand on my back and made soft, circular patterns. “I love you, Taylor. Please be okay.”

--

I stared at the ceiling above me. I had just been sleeping and sleeping since I arrived at Alyson’s house three days ago. I had no energy or drive. I just let the emptiness and numbness swallow me whole. Pulling the covers tighter around me, I snuggled farther down into Aly’s bed.

“No, no. Not today, sir.” Alyson was above me, pulling the covers from my face. I winced up at her.

“Just a few more minutes.” I rolled over, trying to ignore her.

“No more minutes. Come on, get up.” She didn’t wait for a response and instead removed the covers from me and pulled me over to look at her.

“When did you become my mother?” I glared up at her.

“Don’t be an asshole, Taylor. You have to get up today”

“Why is that?”

“Because you do. That’s it. Now out.”

Grumbling, I got up. Going into the bathroom, I locked the door and attempted to rub the sleep from my eyes.

I turned on the faucet to the shower and got in.

“Fuck.” I yelled at myself as I realized I hadn’t taken off my clothes. Jumping back out, I quickly tried to rid myself of the dripping layers.

“You okay in there?” Alyson-mom asked from between the walls.

“Yes,” I said, my voice filled with a strained frustration.

Finally I was back in the shower, gripping the wall just trying to balance myself. The scalding water did nothing to penetrate the way I felt.

As I turned off the shower, my eyesight caught the blue of her razor on the side of the tub. I strained myself to keep from reaching for it. I knew it would help me feel. I just couldn’t walk out of this bathroom dripping with blood. I couldn’t let her see me like that.

I bit my lip and made myself leave the shower. I fumbled out of the bathroom in a towel, the memory already fading as to why all my clothes were soaking on the floor.

“Alyson.” I tried to yell for her but it was just a creaking sound that resembled her name. I trudged through the room, deciding I was on my own to find clothing. I found an old t-shirt and jeans of her brothers that barely fit me. The black t-shirt was loose around my chest and stomach and the faded jeans were falling around my hips. This would have to do.

I was awake for the first time in ages and I felt starved for smack. My body ached and my hands shook from this malnutrition. When I sat down on the couch and drew up into my skin I slowly realized that I wasn’t starved. I had been doing this multiple times a day. My body was just sending such confusing signals to my brain. I must have just forgotten. My body must have forgotten.

I put away the utensils as I waited for the high to kick in.

“Hello grumpy.” Alyson came in from the kitchen and sat down beside me. “That stuff better calm you down.”

I watched her eyes. “So, what is going on today?”

“I’m taking you to a party.” She looked so excited that at any second I knew she was about to jump around the room.

“A party?” Still there was nothing.

She kissed my forehead and beamed at me. “Yep. Chris is throwing it.”

”Chris? As in drug dealer Chris?”

“Maybe we can refer to him as ‘Aly’s friend Chris’ instead?”

“Okay, ‘Aly’s friend Chris the drug dealer’ is throwing a party then?”

“Yes! Why are you being so difficult?” She sounded exasperated, watching me.

I shrugged.

Before I could take another breath she had climbed on top of me, her tongue in my mouth.

I pushed her off. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Just trying to make you feel better. God, what the hell is your problem lately?" She got up swiftly and continued to stare down at me.

"Why do you have to act like that?"

"Like what, Aly?"

"Like you don't even care."

My eyes were studying her face. What could I say to that?

"Do you care?"

It took me a minute to respond. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say. I hadn't figured out my feelings for her yet. "Yes, of course I care about you."

She paused for a second before saying in an almost hurt voice, "Do you love me?"

I watched her carefully, deliberating what to say. My attention went to my hands in front of me. I couldn't say I did if I had no idea. I didn't love her, did I?

"Figures." I could hear the sadness ripping at the word.

I struggled to get myself to say something, to redeem myself. But what could I say to fix this?

I listened to her footsteps as she went to the door. Her voice sounded strained as she said, "Do you want to go?"

"Yeah, it sounds okay I guess."

"Good, bring someone. I'm not going to baby sit you tonight."

"Bring someone? Who the fuck am I supposed to bring?"

"Figure something out, Taylor." Her voice sounded very tired of me. "Be ready by eight." And she had slammed the door.

I stared at the greying paint peeling on the door for minutes until it had lost interest. Falling over onto the pillows of the couch, I grabbed the remote control and flipped on the television.

Images of colorful people with smiling faces began dancing around the screen. I rubbed at my eyes and blinked multiple times but nothing was making sense. The people were meshing and blurring into each other, laughing at some joke I never heard.

This confusing cycle kept me enthralled and the next time I saw the clock I couldn’t believe an hour had passed. I thought the television had jumbled my head so that I couldn’t read numbers anymore. But the time had really slipped by, the television confusing my brain to the point that it felt like a buzzing insect colony. Sitting up, I shook my head and turned off the screen. I got up and looked for her radio. When I found the beat up black boom box in her room, I plugged it into the living room outlet. Her CD selection wasn’t the greatest in the world, but I found an old Alkaline Trio CD and blasted it as loud as my ears could stand. The room filled with guitar and a singer cussing with his broken voice; it helped me feel not so alone.

Unsure of what to do with myself, I sat back down on the couch and stared at the table for a while. When the shapes stopped changing and therefore lost entertainment value, I opened the drawer next to me and poured out a few lines of coke. I cut them carefully and did a line. Maybe this would help me feel anything. My nose tingled for a few seconds afterwards but the feeling faded as I slumped backwards.

With the words of the singer yelling in my ears and the drugs pumping through my veins, I sat and wondered who I was supposed to bring to this party. Why did Alyson even feel like she was babysitting me in the first place?

Who could I bring anyway? I didn’t even know anyone besides her. Maybe Zac would come. He was the only person I knew besides Alyson that treated me like a human. With so many drugs in my system, I was sure of this conclusion. Zac would come. He would want to spend time with me. Things would be good and he would have no idea there were drugs at the party. Zac was innocent, he wouldn’t figure things out.

I stared at the phone. I had confidence in Zac coming to the party without anything bad happening. What I didn’t have confidence in was calling home.

My eyes lingered on the avocado-coloured phone. The only thing that could help this confidence would be the table in front of me. I did another line and waited for a few seconds before it kicked in. Before I even noticed, I had the phone and it was ringing.

“Hello?” I yelled into the phone. I couldn’t hear one word.

“What?!” I continued to yell into the phone for a few more seconds before I realized the music was coming from my end.

I jumped up and turned down the radio then went back to the phone, “Okay.” I was breathless and shaky when I returned.

“What?” A very frustrated voice was on the other end.

“Isaac, give the phone to Zac.”

“Where the fuck are you?” His voice was immediately angry.

“Give the phone to Zac.” My confidence was plummeting faster than it came.

“Mom and dad are going throw you in the fucking loony bin when you get back.”

“GIVE THE PHONE TO ZAC, ISAAC!” My fingers were cupping the receiver, my mouth screamed the words.

Silence. Dial tone.

I slammed the phone down, picked it up and dialed the number again. It was Isaac again.

“Why drugs, Taylor? What the hell is so cool about drugs?”

I took a deep breath and forced myself to not scream again. “Please let me talk to Zac.”

“So you can corrupt him too?”

“I’m coming home; I just want to talk to Zac first.” The lie fell from my mouth before I could catch it.

“Whatever, Taylor.” Silence. Then Zac’s voice.

“Taylor?”

“Hey, Zac. What’s up?” I tried to regain my composure, but Isaac had thrown my confidence into empty.

“Mom and dad are freaking out, calling the police and practically shitting their pants. What the hell did you do?”

“What do you mean?” My cobwebbed brain couldn’t figure this out.

“Why did you run away again?”

Did he not know? He didn’t know I was on drugs. My plan could work. I could take him and things would work out. We could pretend we were brothers again.

“I didn’t run away, Zac. They’re overreacting.”

“What?” He sounded so confused.

“Listen, do you want to do something with me tonight?”

There was only breathing on the other end. My heart started beating faster, scared he would say no.

“Really?” A shocked sounding voice came from his end. “But, didn’t you run away? What’s going on?”

“I just stayed at a friend’s house. You know how mom and dad are.” I tried to smooth things over. He had to come with me, it was so close.

“Can’t you come? It’s supposed to be this awesome party.”

“But what about mom and dad?” His voice sounded reluctant and thick with confusion.

“Just come. Don’t tell them yet. You know they won’t let you come if you tell them. Please, Zac.”

”But when are you coming home?”

“Tonight.” My breathing was ragged and the word came out fast. Another lie, but by this time I barely even noticed. “Tonight, I’m coming home tonight. Please come.”

And he agreed. The phone call ended in a promise to call later to give directions. I felt accomplished that I had manipulated him somehow into accompanying me. I couldn’t figure out why I even really wanted him to go. I barely could stand him anymore. But that didn’t even seem to matter right now. He agreed and that was all I wanted.

I did another line to celebrate my victory and spent the rest of the day staring at small particles in the sunlight.

--

My hands kept trying to make their way into Alyson’s but every time they did, she would find a way to get them untangled.

The party was full of idiot college kids dancing and sloshing beer in red plastic cups. A few older people were practically attached to the walls, looking terribly bored and embarrassed to be seen at such a place. The music was some horrendous techno shit with repeating bass lines.

Everyone was drunk or stoned. I was tipsy, carrying around my own beer filled plastic cup, working my way to drunk. I had relied on Aly to have drugs but when we arrived and I had realized there were so many people here, I frantically begged her for something and she had refused. I don’t know if she had any or not but she wasn’t budging. I was pissed off at her for a while but it had faded with my second drink.

Zac was thirty minutes late when I finally saw him step into the doorway. Dragging Alyson behind me, I went up to him.

“Hey!” My excited appearance was due to alcohol and I knew it. I would never be this happy to see Zac. Ever.

“Hey, Tay.” He smiled nervously as he stepped forward to reveal Isaac stepping through the door.

My throat caught my words and I swallowed so hard that I began coughing for fear of choking.

“I thought you guys could hang out. You need to get along,” he whispered, close enough for me to hear over the horrible noise.

I stared at Zac, debating on killing him.

“Hi, I’m Aly.” I was distracted to watch Alyson’s hand reach out to Isaac’s and they shook when he told her his name.

I stared at their fingers touching. My face went to her eyes as I saw her smile and look shyly at the ground. My eyes went to Isaac’s as he grinned his idiot grin.

“Zac.” The word growled from my lips. I was beginning to shake with my rage.

“Why did you bring him?” The words hurt to press from the anger raging inside of my chest.

“I thought it would be good for you two.” He must not know anything. Somehow they had spared him the details of Isaac and I beating each other’s heads in. I stared at him in disbelief. How could he be such an idiot? How could he be so fucking stupid?

“Do you want a drink?” I turned towards Alyson as I heard her speak but she was looking at Isaac, and I watched as he followed her towards the kitchen.

My body was shaking. What the fuck was he doing? He knew what he was doing.

“So do you want to get me a beer or what?” I looked back down at Zac.

I sucked down the rest of mine and eyed him.

“Don’t be mad, Taylor. Come on.”

I turned around and led him to the kitchen without saying one word. I was going to need a lot more alcohol and a ton of drugs to get me out of this mess.

Once our cups were full, we went back to the living room to watch the losers dance over each other and fall to the ground.

Zac was sipping his beer like a little girl and I watched him with disgust. I swallowed down more than half the cup within two gulps and waited for someone to do something interesting. Like puke.

“Thanks for inviting me.”

“Yeah” was all I could get out of my pained chest.

We stood there for a few minutes as I tried to calm myself. He was standing beside me, watching the people around us. For a moment, it made me think of when we were still a band. Before I started going crazy. The three of us would go to tons of parties together. Though, those parties usually involved managers and famous people. It still had the underlying drug theme but no one seemed to notice or care. We had been pretty sheltered back then. We were such small town kids. It had bothered us for awhile until we realized we had to ignore it if we wanted to attend.

With this thought, my mood calmed and I looked back at Zac.

“Want to go outside?”

He nodded and so we made our way through the crowded house to the grass. I made myself comfortable next to him.

“Are you going to be mad at me all night for bringing him?”

I shrugged and stared at my beer. Now that he was beside me, I couldn't figure out how to talk to him.

“You know I don't really want to do this band thing without you.”

At that moment, I felt so much younger than the eighteen year old next to me. He seemed to have it all together, while I was going crazy.

“But you know we can't anymore.”

“Can't do what?”

“We cant be the band with you in it.” He looked away as he said this.

“I swear to God. What else do I have to do to show you that I won't fuck up again?”

He was silent for a minute as he took a drink from his cup and stared into the darkness. “It's not just that, Tay. You know it isn't.”

“Tell me what it is. Tell me why you and Isaac are going to go behind my back.”

He sighed and began to speak but then stopped himself. It took him a few seconds before he started again, “Can you even play anymore?”

I refused to answer and so he stopped speaking. We sat in the grass and drank in silence.

Suddenly the words just came from my mouth. “I know I can do this. I can still be in the band.”

“But you can't!” His voice was exasperated. “You can't be in the band! You can't do it anymore. How can you be in a band with Isaac? How can you keep yourself from going crazy again? How can you play when you're high all the time?”

“I'm not high! What the hell, Zac.”

“Don't act stupid with me. The rest of the family refuses to see it but I'm not fucking blind.”

“You don't know what you're talking about.” I drank the rest of my alcohol.

“Yes, I do! God, Taylor!” He stood up, “I'm going home.” He began walking towards the house and I jumped up.

“Wait! Wait, Zac.” I grabbed his shoulder as he reached the door. “Are you going to tell them?”

“I already have.”

And I watched him disappear into the house. The rest of the world seemed to narrow and all I could see was the door he left through.

I ran to the kitchen. “Zac?” But he was gone. I couldn't find him in any of the rooms and so I turned towards the nearest person, “Got any smack?”

He shook his head and stumbled in the other direction.

Frantically, I looked around the room to try and find anyone. Isaac and Alyson were standing in the hall talking. I watched their mouths, trying to decipher their words. The thumping music was pounding through my head, it was not helping the situation. Isaac stepped closer to her and I noted how close their bodies were to touching.

I was between them in seconds.

“Aly, Can you help me for a second?” I tried to smile. I wanted to grab her hands and take her outside. Take her from this horrible party and just leave this behind.

“Can’t you do it on your own, Taylor?” She stared at me like she felt nothing.

“But.” I stared at her. What was she doing? I fumbled for something. Anything.

“I need you.”

She licked her lips, her brown eyes locking mine for ages it seemed. I couldn’t hear the words but I watched her mouth say “No.”

“Maybe you could get me some more beer,” Isaac said from behind me in his low voice. I continued to watch Alyson’s face.

“Please.” My voice was faltering.

I had to get her away from him.

“Come on, Isaac.”

I stared as she took his hand, her fingers that fought at mine all night comfortable now between his. She pulled him off, away from me.

I couldn’t stop staring at where they just were. The room was swimming around me and I felt horribly sick. The alcohol had hit me with a tidal wave.

“Are you lost?”

All I saw was a blob of a stranger, blonde hair and some blur of a woman.

I was shaking again, rage already starting in my stomach, making its way through my blood stream, into my chest, through my fingers.

“Do you want me to help you find something?” She was drunk and I could smell the alcohol and sweat from her skin. Her fingers were around my earlobe, in my hair.

I shoved her so hard off me that she fell to the floor in a heap. I stormed back to the living room swaying back and forth. My eyes searched for Zac. I had to stop him from going home. I had to convince him I wasn't what he thought I was.

“Zac, wait.” He was finishing his beer, standing by the door. I went up to him and he put down the cup and grabbed his coat.

“Listen to me for a second.”

He ignored me and went outside to begin walking home. I walked next to him. “Please just listen.”

“You know, I don't understand why you think I'm so stupid.”

“But I can explain this, just wait a minute.”

He stopped and looked at me, “Are you kidding? First you're the most conceited asshole in the world because you get to fuck a different girl every night, and then you flip the hell out and go crazy. Even after the therapist you had to pull that shit and ruin the entire band. Now you expect me to be sympathetic because you're doing drugs?”

“But, Zac, they're the only thing that's working for me. They help calm me down.”

“And what? You were so calm at the party in there that you were practically twitching looking over your shoulder every five seconds.”

“But... you don't understand.”

“I think I understand pretty well, Taylor.”

“But you don't! You have no idea what it's like.”

“Yeah, well, I know what it's like for me. I'm the one who can't do what I love because my brother is afraid someone's going to jump out of the shadows and attack him.”

I stared at him, my anger so high that my face felt like it was about to catch fire. “Yeah, you obviously don't know what it's like. You've never had anyone do it to you. Go fucking cry about how you can't make music. I don't care anymore.” I pressed my hands to my eyes for a second, it was hard to breath now.

“Fucking drama, Taylor. That's always been you. I'm sure all those puny girls attacked you. Go get high, go do what you want, as long as you're not fucking up my life anymore I don't care.”

I wouldn't look at him as I went back into the kitchen. At the kitchen counter a boy stood with a cup in hand. “Hey man,” I whispered as I got close to him. “Do you got any junk?” Just by the way he looked, stood, smelled, I knew. He did heroin.

He shook his head, “Mike though, man. Mike, he’s got some.”

“Where is he?” My fingers were gripping the bottom of his shirt. I felt desperate, out of control.

"Come on." The guy led me through the crowd and up some stairs. We passed so many people making out that I was scared I would see Alyson and Isaac with their tongues all over each other.

"Should be in there, man." He pointed into a room, the door half open.

I moved the door to step inside and the other boy had disappeared.

"Yeah, hold on." I heard a voice and stood where I was. The tension in my body was rising. Everything was tensing to a point I felt as if I would explode soon without this. I could feel myself getting goose bumps and I was feeling shaky and feverish.

"Hey." A clean-cut man stood in front of me. He looked to be about twenty-four. He had short perfectly gelled brown hair and glasses. He couldn't stand straight and I could tell he was at least as drunk as me.

"What's up?" The guy fell back towards the bed and sat down on the edge.

"Are you Mike?" My voice sounded shaky. The music was barely audible upstairs and I could hear how desperate I sounded with my words.

He nodded. "Want something?" He was eyeing me up and down, checking me out like a piece of meat.

"Can I get some smack?" I stepped farther into the room.

He laughed and grinned at me. "Of course, kid."

I almost fell to the floor with such relief.

"$40." He hadn't even moved.

I dug through my pockets to find the cash and once the transaction was made, he gave me an already filled rig. Once i got off, he began trying to make me sit by him but I went to the door instead.

“Thanks, But I've gotta go.” Then I was walking down the hallway, trying to find Alyson. We had to get out of here. I had to get her home and away from this.

I searched the house for her but all I found were drunken idiots. My mind kept thinking that she had left with Isaac and with that thought a thousand followed. Everyone seemed to be watching me and I kept stumbling through these rooms. It was the third room I entered that I found them.

They were against the counter fucking. I could barely get her name through my teeth but when I did, she looked up. In seconds, Isaac was away form her and pulling up his pants. I could barely breathe or get my eyes from her.

“What are you doing?”

“Leave, Taylor.” Isaac's voice sad.

“What does it matter to you?” She wasn't even looking at me.

“What does it matter? You're fucking my brother you whore!”

“Calm down!” Isaac kept interjecting and I grabbed his shirt and slammed him against the wall.

“How much did you pay her to fuck you? How much?!”

Isaac shoved me away from him, “You're messed up.”

“You're the one fucking my girlfriend!”

“I'm not your girlfriend.” Alyson was up now, glaring at me.

“Then what the hell are you?”

“Your fuck-buddy apparently.” She said as she moved towards the door with Isaac, taking his and pulling him from the room.

“Don't go. Don't go, Alyson.” I tried to grab onto her.

“It's too late, Taylor. Just go home.” She shut the door behind her and I opened it immediately.

“But, I love you! Alyson come back!” There was no response. She had left me there.