chapter two.

I tried to go after them but it was pointless. Isaac had taken her somewhere and I couldn't find them. I wandered around the party, trying to figure out what the hell to do. I could barely move around so many people. I made it outside with the breath still stuck in my lungs. I found myself being able to breath once there was no one around. I at least needed to get home to find my meds.

I stared at the ground trying to figure out what to do. If i could go home I could find my medication, but I needed to find Alyson. No, she was probably still with Isaac. I pressed my palms to my face and sat in the grass.

It felt like seconds later when I woke up. The sun was shining and there was nothing left of the party but empty cups around me. I went to my car.

When I sat down in the driver's seat I instantly noticed the pollen covered windshield and decided it looked beautiful with the morning sunlight. All I could do was stare at it and soon I was nodding off. Shaking my head and blinking a few times, I started the car. I knew I had to get out of here.

I felt like I was driving too fast on the way to her house but every time I saw the speedometer it was never over forty. When I got to the house, it took me ages to get myself from the car. I kept getting distracted by the wind in the trees, the dust on my dashboard, the sunlight between the leaves. I would stare at it with such interest until I began to fall asleep. This went on and on for a while until I jumped awake to realize why I was in this driveway. I had to make things up with Alyson. I knocked and knocked with no response. “Come on, Alyson. Please answer.”

“Go away, Taylor. I'm trying to fucking sleep.”

“Is Isaac in there?”

When she didn't respond, I took a breath and said, “Look, please.”

She opened the door wearing a tight tank top and underwear. I could see her breasts straight through it.

“What do you want?”

I looked at her face and stumbled for words, “I just.. I mean, why.” I paused, “Why are you so mad at me?”

“Are you serious? This is why you came here?” She looked so angry and I wanted to say anything to make her be my friend again.

“I...” I clenched my fists and looked at the door frame, “Please?”

“I can't do this anymore.” She started to shut the door and I pressed myself into it.

“Wait, wait. Just tell me what I did wrong.”

“I can't deal with you using me anymore, all right? That's it. I can't take it.”

“I'm not! You know I'm not. Do you want me to pay for everything I've taken? I will, I can.”

She sighed and stared at me, “It's not that you stupid idiot. You know I love you and you just do whatever the hell you want with me.”

“But that's what I don't understand! How?”

“How? Do you really need a fucking list?”

“Thats not what I mean..” I kicked at the frame and stared at my feet then back at her, “I mean, we don't even know each other how can you love me?”

“But I do!”

“You know about three things about me. I know pretty much the same, and you think that is love? You think just because we fuck that you're in love with me?”

“God! You are such an asshole.” She tried to close the door again and this time I pressed my way into her apartment. “Just leave, Taylor.”

“Do you really think that? Everyone fucking thinks that. You fuck some girl and they're in love with you. You know what? You don't even know me. You have no idea. You are not in love with me.“ I grabbed her by the shoulders and stared hard into her face, “Do you know how many girls I have fucked that tell me they're in love with me? Just because I'm Taylor fucking Hanson and they think they can have everything from me.”

She shoved me into the wall and backed up from me, “Go home.”

I didn't move, “You have no idea. You have no fucking idea who I am and if you did you wouldn't say you loved me. I never told you anything. All of this is bullshit.”

“You're right! This is bullshit. I'm fucking stupid for falling for you.” She was shoving me towards the door and I felt so defeated that I let her. “Don't ever come here. I never want to see you again.” I fell down the front steps as she slammed the door. God, I really needed something, I was feeling sick, I had to get home.

I stood up shakily and got back into the car.

Once I made it to my driveway I pressed my forehead into the steering wheel. Something was wrong with me, everything was out of control. I gripped at the wheel when I felt my throat start to close up and the sting of tears forming. I moved my head from it and hit the dash as hard as I could. I rummaged through my pockets to find my knife, and then I was digging holes in my wrist with the blade: a criss-crossed pattern of lines, pockets of scarlet forming where the flesh had been hollowed out. When I was through, I wiped the blade against my jeans and put it back. All that was left of my feelings was a metal taste in my mouth, and a tingling through my senses. I stared at my wrist, watching the colour drip onto the floorboard. I tried wiping at it, but every time I did a new burst of red would form. So, I pulled on a jacket and left the car. I was cautious, looking about me as I made my way to the front door. I went inside and to the kitchen to grab my prescription and a glass of water. I took three, figuring today was fucked up enough to warrant a triple dose, and made my way to the living room. My dad was on the couch reading a newspaper. Turning around, I tried to sneak out the other way but he stopped me,

“So, you decided to come home did you?”

I didn't turn around.

“I thought you were too afraid to leave the house, now you're not even coming home.”

“I am twenty, you remember.” I still didn't look at him, “And I do support this family, so I have that right.”

“Not anymore you don't.” He grabbed at my arm and made me look at him, “Don't say you support this family, because you never did, and you especially do not now. Your brothers are the ones in the studio, and where are you all the time?”

I felt like something was blocking my lungs. They were in the studio now?

“Come here, your mother and I need to have a talk with you.”

I pulled my arm away, “I have somewhere to be.”

“No you don't, you're coming here.” He grabbed my arm again and pulled me to the couch. “Di! Come down here. Taylor's just come in.” He yelled upstairs at my mother. Fuck fuck fuck.

“So, you have something you want to tell me before your mother comes down?”

I glared at him, “I don't know what you're talking about.”

Mom came down in her pajamas, she stopped at the end of the stairs a second watching us and then made her way next to my father, grabbing his hand.

“Oh, come on. I really need to go.” I felt like I was surrounded by people, and my breathing was shallow and labored. I kept looking around the room in a jerky, twitching movement.

“You need to tell us right now what is going on.” Dad said.

“Nothing's going on! I'm just not here every second of the day. I'm sorry if it upsets you that I've found a life.”

“Are you on drugs?” My mom was staring at me as she said this.

“I...” I paused, my fingers clawing into my legs, “I, of course I am. You're the ones who make me take that shit.”

“You know what we mean, Taylor.” My dad now.

“No! No way.” Fuck, if I could just make myself stop looking around I would seem less obvious.

“Then how do you explain how you've been acting?” My dad said.

“You know what is wrong with me don't try to act like it's fucking drugs.” I stood up, “I can't believe you're pretending to forget the last three months. What the fuck.”

“Taylor, wait, that's not just it.” My mom said now as she grabbed my hand, “You're acting much different than just that.”

“Okay look,” I was going to beat the shit out of Zac when I found him, “Okay.” I sat down again, “I wasn't going to say anything but..” I bit my lip, “I mean, I didn't want to say it wasn't working but...” My hands pressed inside my pockets, “The meds she put me on are making me fucking crazy.”

“The Prolixin?”

I nodded, and stared at the floor.

They didn't speak for a moment, then my dad said, “Well, let me see your arm then.”

I hesitated for a moment, pulling my hands out from my pockets and back to scratching at my jeans, “The truth is, Zac told me he was going to come to you guys about this. We had a huge fight about the band and he thinks I'm crazy and he said he was going to tell you I was on drugs. I'm really not doing anything of that stuff. You know me!” I held my breath as I waited for a response.

It took them a few minutes and I heard the mumble to each other before my dad said, “Well, I want you here then. You need to stay around more and come home at night. If your Prolixin isn't working then its not good for you to be out around people anyway.”

I nodded and shrugged. “And you need to set up an appointment with your psychiatrist, do you want me to do it for you?” My mom said. “I can do it. I'm not that incompetent.” I got up, “So we are done then?”

“I guess..” My dad answered. I went upstairs to try and figure out what to do now. I fell onto my bed and pressed my face into the pillow. It was hard to breath but the darkness and the grip of the pillow soothed me. My emotions were everywhere but so were my thoughts, I didn't know if I should go back to Alyson's and try to work things out, to go back to that drug dealer and get my own stash, or to find some new place to stay for awhile. I understood enough to realize that my parents would find out soon enough about my use if I stayed at home all the time. I pulled the blankets up around me, trying to block out the world. Right now I just couldn't' deal with anymore shit. I just wanted to sleep and sleep until everything went away. A buzzing had started in my head, and I was concentrating on it, trying to figure out if it came from the air. Maybe it was from the dose of meds I had taken. I turned to my side, and checked out the room, just to make sure no one was around. After scanning the room, I let myself drift off.

I woke up to the sound of swearing and someone rummaging around. I felt too hot to move. I was shaky, and felt goose bumps along my arm, though sweat was drenching the sheets.

“Where the fuck is it?” Isaac. I identified the voice without having to move. I wondered if he even knew I was here. I suddenly felt the urge to press myself farther into the sheets and cry. Or do up. Which, the latter seemed much much better.

God, I had to go back to that house and get some more dirt cause I felt like shit. I tried to move myself from the bed but once I sat up I felt like throwing up. I gripped the sheets and tried to focus solely on closing my throat, but the shaking was overpowering.

“God damnit, Taylor. You scared the shit out of me.” He looked up at me and then I watched his eyes become narrow, “Aren’t you supposed to be off somewhere fucking a girl?”

I sucked in a breath, willing myself to stop feeling sick and to stop shaking. I couldn’t make myself respond for fear of vomiting. My bones felt heavy, like a virus was spreading through them, making every part of me hurt. I made myself get up and get shoes. I had to get some right fucking now.

“Do they even like you now? After your bullshit?” “Please, please be quiet.” My head was pounding and his voice was too loud. I seemed to be in slow motion as I put on one shoe then the other.

“Oh, and there are a couple of fans in the closet, just incase you want to beat the shit out of them.”

I threw the closest thing: Zac’s shoe. I’d rather it have been a lamp or a crowbar. I made a note to beat the fuck out of him when I had enough energy to function; When everything didn’t hurt to breathe. “You’ve done enough, all right? Just shut the fuck up for five minutes.”

“Done enough? Oh, right, Alyson. She says you’re a fucker anyway.”

I lunged at him, my hands around his throat. I pressed him so far into the carpet that just maybe his neck would snap. I clenched as tight as I could but the pain in my bones was so fierce that he had my hands in a moment and my head was reeling from a fist to the face. “You fucking asshole. Don’t you think you’re getting the fuck away with it.” I cupped my mouth as I felt the metallic taste in my mouth.

“Fuck off, Taylor. Like she really wants a psycho drug addict. Just because you got to fuck all the fans, doesn’t mean you can actually hold a relationship. She’s mine now and you can go to hell.”

I paused, staring at him, the wet blood pooling in my hand. I really felt like vomiting now, and then jumping on Isaac and punching him until he could no longer see. I couldn’t even talk for a comeback without swallowing blood, so I got up and went to the bathroom before making my way to Chris’s house. For the first few minutes I was fuming. My mind was filled with plots on how to get Isaac out of my life but those were overcome quite quickly with the need for dirt. Once my brain focused on the smell, the taste, the feeling, I could no longer think of anything else.

Before making it to his house, I stopped at the nearest ATM to withdraw from the bands bank account. I withdrew the maximum amount of cash I could and added that to what I withdrew yesterday and went to Chris asking for as much as I could get. At first he laughed, jokingly asking if I was looking to be a dealer. But finally I got it from him and took a greedy hit. Once back outside, I tried to figure out where to go next. A hotel?

Alyson’s?

God, Alyson. I pressed my palm into my eye and tried to get the vision out of my head of Isaac and her fucking.

I wanted to go to her house and scream at her. Then go to my house and beat Isaac unconscious. Instead, I stared at the street. The people seemed to be moving at an extra fast pace, the cars zooming by. Fuck, I just realized I spent a thousand on dirt and now I was stuck until tomorrow to withdraw enough to get a hotel room. I sat down on the curb and stuck my shoes into the street. I watched them with the backdrop of cars. I fantasized about one of the cars losing control and crashing into me, my body crushed against the wall behind me. When I thought of the wall I spun around to make note of where everyone was. Every person walking towards me looked suspicious. God damnit, I wanted to close my eyes for one second and not be worried that someone was going to attack me. I just had to find something to stop these thoughts. I had to find someone to make me feel more normal. Maybe I could find a girl. Fuck, at least I could find a prostitute. I would screw them and claw at their body and press at their wrists until it hurt so much that they hated me. Until they never wanted to be around me, to listen to my music, to ever touch me again. I took in a ragged breath and stood up to look around again. The paranoia was climbing to an all time high after thinking these thoughts, so I headed back to the house.

On the way home, when I made it back to my street, I saw a girl walking ahead of me. Fucking score. God must have been listening, so I took the opportunity. I jogged up to her and slowed as I reached her. “Hey.” I said cautiously, running my hand through my short, dyed, black hair.

“Oh, hey.” She eyed me and pulled her purse closer on her shoulder.

“I was just heading home, do you mind if I walk with you?”

She shrugged and said, “Kelly.” She was probably a B cup from what I could tell through her t-shirt, had blue eyes, brown hair to her chin with a little roots showing, and glasses. She was pretty average in weight and my height. She stopped, “What?”

“Oh, nothing, sorry.” I looked away and coughed.

She started walking again and I watched her move. “So, um…” I searched her face, trying to see if she had any recognition in there, to see if I had any chance in hell. I couldn’t think of anything to say, my brain was speeding from one thought to the other. “Do you want to get a drink somewhere?”

“I, uh, wow, you’re kind of forward.” She stopped again and looked at me like I was about to attack her. Which, I had to hold back to keep from doing so.

God, I wasn’t used to having to work for this. I couldn’t think of one word to say. I felt jittery and panicky again. “I, um, fuck, I mean.” I stared at her, and then behind her, and then to the ground.

“Look, I really need to get home.” I could feel her edging away.

“I’m Taylor. Hi.” I stuck out my hand quickly. “Sorry, I’m not used to talking to girls.” God damnit, I just made myself sound more like a strung out idiot than I already was.

“Taylor?” She blinked and moved her face forward to get a better look, “Really? Taylor Hanson?”

Yes, yes, lets fuck already. “So, um, drinks or something?”

She laughed, “Oh my god. You didn’t used to be this desperate.”

I stared at her, trying to figure out what the hell she meant. Should I just get out of here and find someone else?

“You really don’t remember me do you? Shit, I wouldn’t have recognized you for a second. It’s Kelly, Kelly Mason. You used to rent out my parents venue. We’d always go out afterwards, don’t you remember?”

Oh fuck. “Oh fuck, I’m sorry. Holy shit. Yeah.”

“How have you been? I didn’t even know you guys were back in town. I swear you guys must have locked yourself in a studio somewhere. Are you back here to record?”

“No, I mean, yes. Sort of.” Zac and Isaac that is. “I, um, I should probably go.”

“Come on, Tay. You just wanted to have drinks. Lets go, for old times sake. “

I stared at her, she was seriously freaking me out. Was she really who she said she was? Yeah, she looked like Kelly but I hadn’t seen her in a year. She could be some fan trying to fuck with me.

She grabbed my arm and said, “I know you’re busy but I’m sure one drink won’t kill you.” I jerked my arm back, pain shooting up my arm. She had grabbed the wrist I had cut up.

“Whoa, sorry. Are you okay?”

I nodded and pulled the jacket farther down my hand. “I guess one drink wont hurt.” I muttered. Maybe I could get her wasted, or if not at least I could get myself. We went to the closest bar which was this disgusting tavern hole in the wall. It was always filled with old drunks and stupid frat boys and constantly smelled like a fast-food restaurant mixed with smoke. She ordered some girl drink and I had a Red Stripe. We sat by the door, which was my choice, just incase I had to bolt.

“So how long were you guys out touring this time, a year?”

I nodded, shrugged, took a drink of my beer.

“How was it?”

I shrugged again and stared at my beer. “Good, I guess.” This conversation needed to change direction and fast.

“What have your brothers been up to? How are they?”

My eyes didn’t move. “Do your parents still own that venue?”

She paused, probably trying to figure out if I really just ignored her question. “Um, yeah. But they never listen to me when I tell them who to book, so it’s a bunch of shitty bands that play there now.”

“You guys should play there while you’re back.” She said after taking a drink. “Can you imagine? It’d be so packed.”

“I don’t think that will happen.” I still didn’t look at her. I smoothed my hand across the filthy table and tried to resist the urge to do up again.

“So what are you going to do with your time off? I mean, while you’re not recording.”

I shrugged and took another drink, my beer was almost empty. “Drink, I guess.”

“Me too. I just graduated so I’m back here helping my parents for awhile till I figure out what I’m going to do.”

“What do you want to do?” I looked at her, now that she wasn’t talking about me.

“Paint. But I’m never going to make money off that… so I don’t know yet.”

I stared at her. “You could.”

“Well, okay, not everyone can make it in their dream job, you know.”

I sighed, a sudden stab in my gut. I missed making music. I missed it a whole fucking lot. My chest felt like it was trying to push its way through my lungs. I took a deep breath and held it. “Hold on.” I got up quickly and went to the bathroom and shot up. I stayed in the stall, my hands pressing against the door, trying to breath. I stared at my fingers, hoping to focus. This was not going to work. Why did I have to fuck it all up? Why couldn’t I just be normal? I just wanted to make music, why couldn’t I just do that? I pulled my hands back and left the stall. Everyone in there scared the hell out of me so I made my way back to our table as fast as possible.

“You all right?”

“Yea. Yea.” I picked up my beer and realized it was empty. There was another beside it and I looked back at Kelly.

“I figured you’d want another. Unless you’re tired of me?”

I almost shrugged again but stopped myself, “Thank you.”

“Of course.” She said as she grabbed her second drink. “So, I’m really surprised you’re not being followed by a hundred girls. Or, at least, connected at the hip with some girlfriend.” She paused, “Wait, do you have a girlfriend?”

“No.” I tried to read into the question, to figure out if it was actually possible that I’d still get some.

“Yeah, the bastard I was dating back at school ditched me once I graduated.” She took another drink.

“What an asshole.” I drank the rest of my beer in a gulp and ordered two more. I was ready to get drunk.

---

Twelve beers later, I was at Alyson’s front door yelling and pounding on her door. I was screaming at her to come out.

“Come out, come out you fucking bitch.”

By this point I had been outside for, it seemed, way too long and I was slumped against the door, my forehead resting on the wood. “Come outside. Please just come talk to me.” My voice had lowered by now because it was raw. “Please come out, Alyson.” I stared at the door, my eyes blurred by the closeness.

“God damnit, Taylor.” She opened the door and I fell onto her feet. “I told you not to come back here. What the fuck are you doing?”

I got up clumsily, backing up and almost falling into the bushes.

“Please just go home. You are wasted, you’re waking everyone up. Go home.”

“I miss you. I miss you. Please.” I reached my hands towards her and she shoved them away.

“You’re not getting any, not ever again. Don’t even use your bullshit with me. Stop acting so fucking useless and get off my porch.” Her arms were crossed.

“You can’t… You can’t do this.” I just wanted to lay with her on the couch like it used to be and I could feel safe. “You don’t know Isaac. He’s terrible. Please.”

“Oh come on, and I’m sure you’re perfect? He’s told me enough about you.”

I wanted to throw things and scream at her. She had no fucking idea what she was talking about. “Please.” I held myself up with the doorframe. “Don’t listen to him. Please just let me in.”

“You had your chance. You’re not getting anymore.” She slammed the door and I fell backwards in pain. I swear I was about to find the rest of my fingers severed on the ground.

“Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.” I pulled my hand up to my chest and held it within my other.

“Oh my god. You fucking asshole, god damnit Taylor.” She pulled me up and inside the apartment. “I’ll get you some ice.”

I stared at my fingers, they were blue and I was fascinated. She came back with ice wrapped in a towel. “Come here.” She pulled me to the couch. “Let me see it.” I wouldn’t move my hand from my chest. I was afraid that if I let it go it would hurt even more.

“Taylor. Give it to me.” She pulled my arm towards her. “What is this thing? A jacket? I can’t even see your hand. Come on, take it off.” She was tugging at my jacket now and I was trying to figure out where I was.

“Now give me that.” It was cold. It was cold and it hurt. My hand was in her lap with the towel full of ice. “You asshole drunk, why the hell did you have your hand in the door?”

I kept repeating her name in my head and looking around the room. Were those shadows in the corners? Were there other people here?

“What the fuck is this?” She shoved my arm away and I grabbed the hand protectively. Fuck, it hurt.

“What?” I said, studying the now purple fingers.

“Your arm. What did you do to yourself?”

My eyes went to the scarred mess. They holes were barely healing. I just stared.

“Taylor?”

“Can I just lay here?” I looked back up at her, forgetting what I was just doing.

“Seriously. I’m not kidding.”

“Please? Just tonight.” I touched her arm with my good hand. “Please.” I wanted her to keep them away, all those shadows, all those faces. I laid my head into her lap and closed my eyes.

“Taylor?”

Just tonight. Just for tonight.

--

My head was still in her lap when I awoke. She was leaning against the arm of the sofa with her arm draped around my side. I took a breath, and watched her face. I was afraid to wake her up because I didn’t know what she was going to do. I tried to reposition my hand as softly as possible. It was throbbing and swollen. She woke up as I did this and started to sit up, so I did as well.

“Sorry.” I mumbled as I pulled my hand towards me.

“It’s all right.” She rubbed at her eyes. “How is it today?”

I shrugged, “Hurts.”

“Do you want me to get you some more ice?”

“No, it’s okay.”

I stared at my hands, my head was pounding. “So, um, I guess I should go or something.” I got up and grabbed my jacket.

“Wait.” She paused.

I watched the door and before she spoke again I said in a low voice, “Are you and Isaac dating?”

It took her a few seconds before she answered, “Sort of.”

I turned around now and watched her, “What do you mean?”

“I mean, we see each other a lot. I guess you could call that dating.”

I sighed, a flash of everything they could do went through my head. I closed my eyes while saying, “Just be careful about him, okay?”

“What do you mean?” She grabbed for my good hand and I sat down again with her.

“Just… just be careful.”

“What is it that makes you guys hate each other so much?”

I tensed, “It doesn’t matter. Just be careful.”

“Well, will you at least tell me what you did to yourself?” She pulled my wrist towards her. I stared at the barely healing marks.

“It’s nothing.” My voice was low, like it didn’t want to come from my throat.

“You have to answer something. Come on, you always do this.”

“Just… I just.” I clenched my teeth, “I’m such a fucking asshole. I had to do something.”

She didn’t speak and so I continued, “Something had to fix me.”

“I don’t understand.”

I pressed my fingers to my eyes, “I had to do it. I had to take it out on someone. You know? All this fucking shit I’m causing people. I had to do something about it.”

“You had to do this to yourself why? To punish yourself?”

I didn’t answer. I felt sick admitting it.

She pulled my fingers away from my eyelids. “Look, I don’t know why you do any of the bullshit you do. But this can’t be a way to fix it.”

I wanted to say ‘how do you know?’ I wanted to ask her what she knew of my life to warrant this idea.

“Does your family know any of this?”

“My family doesn’t give a shit. I’ve fucked them over enough.”

“What happened?”

I shook my head, “It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter.” I began looking around, “Is anyone here? I mean, are there people here?” I pulled my feet onto the couch.

She looked around and back at me, “No. No one’s here.” She went over to the other side of the couch, “Look, come on, you need to calm down.” She pulled out something and gave me pills, which I took immediately. All of this talk was heightening my paranoia. Every shadow in the room seemed to be silhouettes of people.

She sat back down, shaking out a line from a bag and taking it. “Isaac said some things about you. About the band.”

I paused to let myself breathe, “What did he say?”

“Just, that you guys used to be in a band together and three months ago you came home. He seems really angry about everything. He won’t say much about it. Apparently, they’re recording again. Why did you stop?”

I looked away, “I don’t think anyone wants me back. My brothers or the fans. It’s easier this way.”

“Do you not want to anymore?”

“Of course I do,” I wiped my hands on my jeans, “I mean, I guess. Yeah.”

“Why do you think they wouldn’t want you then?”

I kept looking around the room. These questions were making my chest hurt and my legs shake. “They just don’t.” Every word was painful to get from my lungs. “I’m crazy now, you know, I fucked it all up. I’m the reason that we came home. I mean, they think I’m crazy. I don’t know. Look, it doesn’t matter I just can’t do it.”

She put her arms around my shoulders and pulled my head into her neck, “It’s all right.”

I clung to her. My thoughts were jumping from one memory to another and all of it was underlined by a paranoia of her and my surroundings. “I’m sorry.” My voice was dull and soft. She pulled away and looked at me.

“I’ll pay for them,” I pulled out the remainder of my money, forty dollars, and handed it to her, “What you gave me, I’ll pay for it.”

“For what?”

“The pills. I don’t want you thinking I’m using you.”

She pushed it away and shook her head. “Don’t.”

“God, I don’t know what to do now.” I ran my hand through my hair. I wanted to ask her so many questions. “Can I come back some time?”

She smirked, “Yeah, just don’t be drunk next time, all right?”

I pulled myself up and went to the door. “Thanks.”

She got up and kissed my forehead before saying goodbye. I wanted to grab her and kiss her until we fell into a naked heap on the floor. But instead I walked down her driveway until I got to the street. I felt completely lost. I had no idea where to go from here. I looked up and down the street and tried to remember where I had left my car. I pulled out my cell phone and called Kelly to see If I had my car with me last night. Apparently not. So, it must have been home. Great. I sighed and stared the sidewalk.

My phone rang a few seconds later as I was heading back home. I answered to Zac.

“Where are you?” Were the first words out of his mouth.

“Why?”

“What do you mean, why?”

“Oh come on.” I don’t know why I even answered.

“Mom and dad are pissed. Where the hell have you been?”

“I’m coming home now.” I hung up and continued on my way. When I got home, he was sitting on the couch watching television. I tried getting by without him noticing, but as I walked be he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me back.

“What did you tell mom and dad?”

I stared at him. “Let go.”

“They think you’re completely fine.” He paused. “Well, not doing what you’re doing anyway. What did you say?”

“Let go of me, Zac.” He let go and I just stood there.

“They’re flipping out because you weren’t here last night. Way to tell them you’re not doing shit and then go out all night and fuck it up.”

I didn’t even know what he was talking about anymore. I just stood there and stared at him.

“I don’t even know why I should care.”

“I don’t either. You’re the one who started all this mess.”

“Oh, me? I’m the one? I’m taking drugs now?”

“You’re the one who told them.”

“Right, not like they’d figure it out.”

“Look, I don’t know what to say to you.”

He paused for a moment before saying, “I guess you know we’re doing the band without you.”

I sighed and dropped onto the couch next to him, “Yeah..”

“You know why, Taylor. Come on. You know.”

I nodded. “I know.”

“Are things….” He stopped, “You know… better? At all?”

“Yeah. Well. Yeah, before Isaac stole my girlfriend. Sort of. I don’t know. I thought I was. Probably not really.”

“Your girlfriend? That Alyson girl? Didn’t she… weren’t you, I mean, were you okay around her?”

“I don’t know. Things were calmer around her. She scared me but… it wasn’t as bad.”

“Isaac… stole her?”

“I found them fucking in a bathroom the night they met.” I pressed my fingers into the scarred wrist, trying to get some sensation, trying to feel the pain instead of my emotions. “I’m going to kill him when I see him.”

“I don’t know what’s wrong with him but you guys have to stop being such assholes.”

“Yeah, all right, you say that when you’re in my shoes.”

“I know he’s an asshole but its not like you haven’t done your fair of being a fucker. Do you even remember the tour at all?”

I stared at the coffee table in front of us.

“You would fuck every single girl you could get your hands on, come in the next morning late and still drunk and be a conceited fucking asshole all the time. I swear you knew you were everyone’s favourite and you thought that made you god. You were terrible to live with. Everyone thought you were a prick.” When I didn’t respond he said, “It’s almost a good thing we had to come home because at least you’re not like that anymore.” He looked at me for a second, “I mean, you know I don’t think it’s good that it had to happen this way but…”

I said under my breath, “So I have to just deal with Isaac ruining my life?”

“Ruining your life? Are you serious?”

I bit my lip and tried to keep from talking.

“Seriously?” He pushed at my shoulder so that now I was looking at him. “Are you fucking serious?”

“Yes.” I stared at his face, his eyes.

His voice was so bitter and angry as he spat out, “Isaac wasn’t the one who beat the shit out of his fans. Isaac wasn’t the one who sent four people to the hospital. Isaac wasn’t the one who made everyone hate us. He wasn’t the reason we had to come home. Or do you not remember that?”

I grabbed his shoulders so hard and shoved him into the arm of the couch. I could barely breath, my chest was about to explode as I gasped out in short, angry breaths, “Now you, “ Another gasp, another angry spat “ask Isaac” I felt like clenching his shoulders until the bones crunched “what he fucking did.” I didn’t let him go. I just held him there, shuddering.

“Christ. Let me go you’re fucking crazy.” He grabbed a hold of my wrist and instead of letting him move me, I pulled him up and slammed him as hard as I could against the wall. “Stop taking his side on this bullshit.” Tears were forming in my eyes and I felt like collapsing from lack of air. “I did that.” I watched him, he looked scared because he realized I was still stronger than him. “I did do that to those fans. And it was shitty.” I slammed him again against the wall, “But that is not all that happened. And you can stop thinking of him as your fucking saviour.” I let him drop as I pulled myself into the kitchen to collapse on the floor. My head in my hands, tears forming salty rivers down my cheeks. I was sobbing and tearing at the floor and my skin. My breathing was getting harder and harder to regulate and a few times I ended up choking on my own air. When I could gather myself enough, I got up and pulled open the nearest drawer. I had to have something to make all of this stop. All of the images, smells and feelings were swelling up in my thoughts and I had to get it out. If I didn’t get it out I was sure it would overtake me and fill everything I did. The blade was reflective. I watched my mirror image in the silver. With my other hand, I swiped the back of it across my eyes. I was gasping and tears were still forming under my eyes. I put my wrist face up on the counter and hovered the blade above the blue line on my arm. I blinked and stared and wiped at my eyes over and over, returning the blade to its place above my skin. I pressed lightly along it, and a thin line of blood formed. The tension built up in all of my muscles, my breath already sticking to my lungs, my memories overwhelming and blinding me, then the pain. The pain spread through my palm into my arm into my chest and face. I stared at the red pooling and spreading across the marble countertop. I grabbed the knife and pulled it from my hand. A sound from behind me made me drop it and pull my hand towards my stomach.

“Taylor, look. You’re right. I don’t know what the fuck happened back then. I should have asked you.” Zac said from the doorway.

I stared at my hand, the blood was already soaking the entire bottom half of my shirt. “I’ve got to go to Alyson’s.”

“What?”

I couldn’t figure out how to get out of the kitchen without him seeing and so I just stood there.

“What are you doing?”

I felt sick. The blood was already making itself down my jeans. “I have to go to Alyson’s.” I turned and made my way towards the door. I was going to get past him.

He grabbed my shoulders, “Wait. Stop. Wait.” I was pushing into him, trying to get past him. “What did you do? What did you do to yourself?” He ran to the phone. “Don’t move.” I went out the door. “Oh my god. Oh my god Taylor what did you do.” I could hear him behind me until I made my way down the street. I was stumbling and felt like I had to pull each leg forward to continue moving. With each step, the weight pulling at my lungs became heavier. Each breath was more ragged, like my lungs were full of water. I had to make it to her. But I kept falling and each time it was harder to get myself from the ground. The world around me seemed to be swimming, the sidewalk veering in strange directions. I felt like I was going in circles and in a few moments had forgotten where I was even going in the first place. If I could just lay down for a few seconds I was sure that I could remember. Just a few minutes to make my head stop hurting, so I could breath a little better. My face felt good against the warm concrete. The world looked so much better from this angle.